Life Sans Gallbladder
Today was a red-letter day. Three weeks ago today I got very very sick. I didn't realize how very sick I was until I found myself in the ER for the second time in one week and a surgeon was telling me that they had just scheduled me for my emergency gallbladder surgery. I was alone and scared and I couldn't find my cell phone and I was supposed to perform that evening and the following afternoon and I was trying so very hard not to panic. I tried to be strong. And I was a little...but when the nurse was prepping me for surgery and telling me about the four little incisions and the tubes and how I would be given oxygen post surgery to help regulate my breathing...I lost it. I suppose I had been acting pretty well up until that point because my tears took the nurse completely off guard.
"I am trying to be strong but it isn't working that well anymore."
"That's okay. Would you like to call your mom?"
More tears ensued with this offer as I was reminded of my missing cellphone. I woke up from surgery with an oxygen mask on my face as was foretold but I was not prepared for the panic attack that ensued. I needed to to cough but couldn't because my belly was swollen and sore and then I couldn't breathe. In that moment, I was dying. That was my reality. Dramatic I know but an honest reflection nonetheless. They tried so hard to calm me down and finally talked me into a more relaxed and rational state by informing me that I could speak to my mother just as soon as I started breathing normally. Does one ever outgrown the need to be comforted by one's mother? Certainly not!
"I am coming to see you!"
I tried not to break down in tears yet again and this time I succeeded. My Mumsy was getting on the next plane to Boston. She was coming to see me and everything was going to be okay. Surgery is a scary thing. I have never felt more alone in my whole life. And in the midst of that feeling I remembered the words of my mother.
"You are never alone. The Lord is always with you."
God is not my go-to person. Yes I am a Christian and I believe that God should be my go-to but somehow that doesn't change the fact that at the moment He is not. But I am learning. My hope is that it won't always be this way. This phrase of my mother's is one I have heard hundreds of times and it is in fact something that I truly believe. So, I started quoting my favorite passage of scripture. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." It helped. I was still just as scared and alone but somehow hearing those words in my head helped me endure those unending hours. While my IV was managing my pain, Psalm 23 was managing my fear.
In three short weeks I have come a long way! Every day is better than the one before. I am thrilled to be back at work and to be able to work hard! I come home every day simply exhausted and it feels great. And today I finally found the determination to run. It was incredibly hard but I succeeded in running 2 miles without stopping. I'll be back to 5 mile jaunts in no time! I now feel truly back in action. Thanks be to God!
"I am trying to be strong but it isn't working that well anymore."
"That's okay. Would you like to call your mom?"
More tears ensued with this offer as I was reminded of my missing cellphone. I woke up from surgery with an oxygen mask on my face as was foretold but I was not prepared for the panic attack that ensued. I needed to to cough but couldn't because my belly was swollen and sore and then I couldn't breathe. In that moment, I was dying. That was my reality. Dramatic I know but an honest reflection nonetheless. They tried so hard to calm me down and finally talked me into a more relaxed and rational state by informing me that I could speak to my mother just as soon as I started breathing normally. Does one ever outgrown the need to be comforted by one's mother? Certainly not!
"I am coming to see you!"
I tried not to break down in tears yet again and this time I succeeded. My Mumsy was getting on the next plane to Boston. She was coming to see me and everything was going to be okay. Surgery is a scary thing. I have never felt more alone in my whole life. And in the midst of that feeling I remembered the words of my mother.
"You are never alone. The Lord is always with you."
God is not my go-to person. Yes I am a Christian and I believe that God should be my go-to but somehow that doesn't change the fact that at the moment He is not. But I am learning. My hope is that it won't always be this way. This phrase of my mother's is one I have heard hundreds of times and it is in fact something that I truly believe. So, I started quoting my favorite passage of scripture. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." It helped. I was still just as scared and alone but somehow hearing those words in my head helped me endure those unending hours. While my IV was managing my pain, Psalm 23 was managing my fear.
In three short weeks I have come a long way! Every day is better than the one before. I am thrilled to be back at work and to be able to work hard! I come home every day simply exhausted and it feels great. And today I finally found the determination to run. It was incredibly hard but I succeeded in running 2 miles without stopping. I'll be back to 5 mile jaunts in no time! I now feel truly back in action. Thanks be to God!
Dearest Natalie,
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful that I got to be with you, that you are gaining your vigor, and that Psalm 23 managed your fears. I am so thankful that when you are in a vulnerable place, the thought comes to you that you are not alone. The Lord is always with you!
I love you my Natalie!
Love,
Mom