Back to life as we know it

The thing about spring is one feels the need to start things afresh.  And so I have.  No new items on the agenda, just returning to the old habits that somehow died out over the past 6 months.  In the case of this blog...10 months.  The complete truth of the matter is, I just haven't felt like writing, I just haven't felt like running, I haven't felt like going to church, and I simply have NOT felt like CLEANING (well, I never feel like cleaning - spring or otherwise).

Everyone will say (and I say it myself), "just do it anyway because you know it is good for you." So, here I am; three Sunday services down, a weeks worth of running under my belt, I've hired a cleaning lady (I can't do everything!), and now I am going to start writing again.  It is Monday after all!

But I cannot truly say that I am back to life as I know it.  Life has changed, as well it should, and even though it feels good to be getting back to old good habits, I find myself on the brink of never going back to life as I have ever known it.  There is joy in this feeling but there is also pain.  Then pain of running after inactivity, the "pain" of scheduling, the pain of feeling distant from my faith, the pain of feeling left behind, the pain of wanting what you can't have, the pain of grief.

The past few weeks I have been grieving the loss of my best friend's little baby boy.  Makoba was born on April 8th and he was a beautiful, full-term, perfect little baby.  But he was born into the hands of God. My own grief is nothing compared to the grief of the parents and grandparents and all the family but I am a part of that family in my own way and Makoba would have been my first "nephew" and I am completely devastated. Grief is an odd thing.  It rears its ugly head the minute you least expect it and of course takes over your entire mind, body, and soul so that you feel more helpless than you ever knew was possible.

After an impossibly sad weekend trip to DC to see my darling friend and her husband, I returned to Salem and it was very much back to life as we know it. I went straight back to work and haven't stopped for breath since.  And so the grief takes a back seat for a while.  I awoke yesterday morning from a nightmare that was far to close to reality and it made my realize that it will never be "back to life as we know it." I will alway be sad about the loss of Makoba but the grief itself will come and go.  The motions of my life remain unaltered, but the emotions are what have changed.  I want to cry every time I see a pregnant woman or a small child. I read my friends blog, she is due any day now with their first child, and I am excited but scared.

Easter Sunday was a good one for me this year.  I had time to sit and reflect and think about what I want to focus on as I move forward out of this time of mourning. I decided to start with something very simple. There is this thing called "100 happy days."  It is a social media challenge.  You have to post everyday for 100 days straight and you have to share something that makes you happy that day and hash-tag it #100happydays. It might seem a silly place to start but it does help me find at least one thing in my day that I am truly happy about.  Let's just call it step one.  No agenda or check list, just one step at a time.